Life as I know it

There are aspects of having any form of chronic pain that no one tells you. No one tells you the 'tricks' or 'tips' for explaining to anyone you interact with that there is something wrong but you shouldn't be treated differently. No one tells you when you're in pain, you want to rip someone's head off but you just can't do that so you get mean. You get bitter. Doctor's don't tell you that's a symptom. Doctor's don't include it as a symptom because not everyone is bitter or mean when things are wrong. Some people can handle their stuff.

I'm ten days away from twenty-two which just blows my mind that I've learned my tricks and my tips for how to interact. I've learned how to explain (I think). But, the way I got here took a very rocky path that made me fall on my face and cry....a lot.

I remember when I was first diagnosed that I didn't know what to tell my friends. What eight year old knows how to explain a medical condition to other eight year olds? What about their teachers? Do I even have to tell anyone? I remember being upset and embarrassed that I had a 'disease' which I wanted no one to know. I remember my 'friends' and their parents thought you could catch arthritis. I remember crying because that friend, who had a doctor for a dad, said that to me. I remember being angry at such a young age because I just didn't get it. 

Soon, I learned to trust more. I was okay with telling a few people and one of my closest friends who is still around today with me, her family understood to their best ability. They still do this! I am thankful for this. 

But, it takes a special kind of courage to explain to total strangers that "oh, yeah, I have arthritis." You get a look that goes with a sad little "Oh." 

Sometimes, I get "no way! My *insert family/friend here* deals with something similar" which I tend to connect with this person more just over things that I have shared. 

But the point is no one tells you exactly what you're going to deal with because you simply don't know. I wish I could give the answers out like how so many math problems have an exact answer, but, life is not linear like that. I can tell you what works for me and my situation but that has nothing to do with the next person who handles similar problems in a different way.

My form of coping at first was very much natural of an eight year old. I asked why so often. Why did this happen to me? Why did the universe allow this? I didn't get it and I really don't have the answers for my eight year old self asking such intense questions but I can look back and tell that part of me that it formed me. I would not be Leah without the struggles and stumbles I have handled along side my family.

My form of coping now is very basic because I actually know what I need to do to meet my needs. Now, if something hurts I soak in the bath and snuggle under my big heavy covers and binge watch whatever show I'm hooked on until I fall asleep and I sleep until I can't sleep anymore. Sleep is a solution which fixes many things for the moment. But, it doesn't solve everything like I wish it sometimes would.

Perhaps that this is just the life I know and perhaps it will change but it is hard to tell now because I couldn't have told my eight year old self this information and I wouldn't have known what to do with the information, either.

I wish I could give exact advice.

Thanks for reading this random all over the place post,
-Leah