Journey of School

When I was young, only a few years into my diagnosis and still figuring out what was best for me, I eventually assumed I wouldn't end up going off to college. This assumption became more and more real for me. I remember my mom talking about someone she knew who had a daughter who didn't stick with her medicines once she left for school. I remember my mom telling me how important my medicines were for me to take and never to miss a dose. I remember learning each drug name, what it was for, and when I took it. I remember the shape of the pill and the color, I still can remember the first pill I ever had to swallow.

Tomorrow, January 11th, I will be changing that assumption my young self had well into recent years. I will be going off to college. I will be living in the dorms and I will be taking fourteen credit hours.

I remember in high school, my mom said "You know the Arthritis Foundation has a scholarship program. You should apply." I grew angry at the thought. I didn't feel I was 'bad enough' to get a scholarship and others deserved it way more than I did. I thought it was stupid to be judged on how arthritis impacted my life because it was the only thing I knew, so, what did I have to compare it to? I felt offended and annoyed at the thought of getting money for having Arthritis.

I still feel uncomfortable with the word 'disabled' because I am not. At least, in my eyes. I might be to your average twenty-two year old.

It is almost six in the morning and I have not slept at all because I haven't had many 'good years' or even 'good months' in a very long time. My anxiety runs deep through my mind, racing faster and faster as the time moves so slow.

One thing I am good at is setting my mind to something and being determined enough to get it. I have done this forever and I imagine I will until I'm not longer a being. But, the bad thing is, if I don't want it enough or before, when my anxiety and depression ruled my life, I could convince myself I wanted something that was nothing I needed or something unreasonable because I was afraid.

I registered for college a week before classes started and I had little to no excitement until the day before. I sat up late, worrying, like I have done every time I have a day before something big or exciting. I organized each class and laid out everything. I got more and more into school as the semester went out. I learned what didn't work for me and what did work. I learned each semester and this past fall, I made B's and above in my classes. Something I have not done since I was in middle  school.

I hadn't made wonderful grades before because of my health. I understood my materials and when I was actually in class and able to work, I did wonderful. However, you can't learn very well off handouts and tidbits of classroom time.

High school was worse with this.

Eventually, I dropped out the winter break of my junior year. Now, I want to clarify that this was not due to my arthritis at this time. It was under some control, but, I had chronic appendicitis for over two years (yes you read that right). Finally, I got it removed and my stomach issues went away.

After dropping out, I got my GED in April of 2013 (I had dropped out that January). I had endured a lot of terrible things in the year of 2013. But, the one amazing thing was, I passed my GED tests. I remember getting my results and smiling, huge. I had done something wonderful!

Eventually, I figured I should go to college. All my friends were the next year and I was only seventeen at the time so I could get a head start. I enrolled in the local community college and took a few classes that following Fall. I started to have issues with my tonsils and then I learned my family was moving from Colorado to New Mexico.

I hadn't thought about school after the move in January of 2014 for a while. I tried to figure out what I wanted and I tried various jobs, moved out even, and eventually came home to land myself in school.

It wasn't my idea to go back to school right away. I agreed because it was my therapists idea and I figured I should. I got more and more excited as the time went by.

Now, I have done three whole semesters and one summer semester of school at one of the University of New Mexico's branch campuses. I also decided, about a year ago, that I wanted to be a high school teacher.

I tell people this and they say "it takes a special kind of person" and I also get worried faces of "How can you get up early enough for that?"

I have many issues with sleep, getting up before noon is only one of them. But that's another post for another time.

But I did it. With all of my strange problems, all of my bad days and good, I did it. I never thought I would simply because of my diagnosis which is silly now. I also find it silly that my original thought on the Arthritis Foundation scholarship was so negative. Today, I plan on applying to it and I find all of the foundation's support amazing and useful.

Thanks for reading,
Leah