Knocked Down
One of the many things that people do not tell you when you're diagnosed with JRA is that you sacrifice so much to be able to do some of the things you love for the consequences that your body will inevitably face. This is something I have struggled with since I can remember and it's still something I really wish I had a better way of handling. But, on top of this, when you get sick it takes a long time to feel 'normal' again (whatever that normal is for you).
Something that I am struggling with currently is being able to keep up. I recently found a good group of people to be hanging around and as all new friendships go, I have to explain that there are some things I just can't do or I am slow. I find myself feeling guilty for pushing myself to walk fast when everyone is at a certain pace or I feel strange asking them to slow down for me. It's an internal battle that I have always had. Most people understand but many forget which is okay. I'm okay with people forgetting that I have certain needs because I don't want to be seen as my "illness" or "disease."
But, literally the week after I met all of these wonderful new friends I got knocked down. I got the flu. As normal, I presented abnormal and doctors didn't know I had influenza B until it was my second emergency room visit. Thankfully, I'm recovering faster than I expected and I feel much better. Just an annoying cough is sticking around. But, this knocked me down.
Right before I met these friends, I was able to keep up. I was able to walk a little faster and move a little more swiftly. Now, I feel like I'm kicked back three squares in this game of life. I have to go slow again while I feel like I'm wobbling around campus. I feel like I have to rest more and that means I feel like I am missing out on social experiences that would not be missed out on if I didn't have this problem.
I hate that these thoughts are in my mind but it's the truth and what people don't talk about. I hate that I miss out on so many things or feel like I do. I also am incredibly self conscious of the fact that I am slow and that I feel physically different even though it's an "invisible illness." I'm still convinced people just see me as this girl, this sick girl, who has all this hospital experience and not a lot else.
Sure, I make plenty of jokes and I am a good sport about it all. But, sometimes, you get knocked down and these minor pesky thoughts that sometimes show up hit me all at once.
I have plenty of support and I know my new found friends understand, but it doesn't mean my thoughts aren't there.
Don't forget that how you feel is valid even if it doesn't seem like it should be. Don't forget that your 'invisible' illness is very real. Don't forget that you're never alone even if it doesn't feel that way.
Sometimes, you just have to vent.
Thanks for reading,
Leah
Something that I am struggling with currently is being able to keep up. I recently found a good group of people to be hanging around and as all new friendships go, I have to explain that there are some things I just can't do or I am slow. I find myself feeling guilty for pushing myself to walk fast when everyone is at a certain pace or I feel strange asking them to slow down for me. It's an internal battle that I have always had. Most people understand but many forget which is okay. I'm okay with people forgetting that I have certain needs because I don't want to be seen as my "illness" or "disease."
But, literally the week after I met all of these wonderful new friends I got knocked down. I got the flu. As normal, I presented abnormal and doctors didn't know I had influenza B until it was my second emergency room visit. Thankfully, I'm recovering faster than I expected and I feel much better. Just an annoying cough is sticking around. But, this knocked me down.
Right before I met these friends, I was able to keep up. I was able to walk a little faster and move a little more swiftly. Now, I feel like I'm kicked back three squares in this game of life. I have to go slow again while I feel like I'm wobbling around campus. I feel like I have to rest more and that means I feel like I am missing out on social experiences that would not be missed out on if I didn't have this problem.
I hate that these thoughts are in my mind but it's the truth and what people don't talk about. I hate that I miss out on so many things or feel like I do. I also am incredibly self conscious of the fact that I am slow and that I feel physically different even though it's an "invisible illness." I'm still convinced people just see me as this girl, this sick girl, who has all this hospital experience and not a lot else.
Sure, I make plenty of jokes and I am a good sport about it all. But, sometimes, you get knocked down and these minor pesky thoughts that sometimes show up hit me all at once.
I have plenty of support and I know my new found friends understand, but it doesn't mean my thoughts aren't there.
Don't forget that how you feel is valid even if it doesn't seem like it should be. Don't forget that your 'invisible' illness is very real. Don't forget that you're never alone even if it doesn't feel that way.
Sometimes, you just have to vent.
Thanks for reading,
Leah
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